Jean Pierre Pinot came to my Sett last week demanding an imaginary biscuit. It was unfortunate as I'd given the last of my stock to Gwynfor Tennessee McJones, the Mayor of Badgerville, just that very morning. The Mayor had come around to discuss the right-of-way issues on the Badgerville high street. But we ended up eating imaginary biscuits and playing Eggathon. Far more exciting than transport issues, even if they are Badgerville transport issues.
Jean Pierre Pinot was getting frustrated and rather aggressive at the lack of imaginary biscuits. But what could I do? I had none left. So I had a genius idea, which I am still proud of today - I attacked Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.
"And don't come back, Jean Pierre Pinot, you ungrateful French turd," I shouted after him as he ran away with his non-literal tail between his legs.
But don't worry folks, I'm getting another batch of imaginary biscuits in tomorrow. But for his indiscretions, Jean Pierre Pinot will not be getting any.
And, also, because he is a twat.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Big Cheese Badger's Review of 2010
Everyone seems to be doing a review of 2010 this year. Why is this? Most people seem to have written their review in early January or last December for some reason. So it appears that, it being August, I am late with my review.
But I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon anyway. Although in my case, it was harder to do than for most people, as I had to run like a BOLT for ruddy miles to just catch up with said bandwagon. And when I caught up with it, I couldn't jump on it, as it seemed to have been abandoned and set ablaze. After waiting patiently for hours for the fire go out, all that was left was a pile of ash. So I jumped on the ash. Seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
So here it is folks, the Big Cheese Badger's review of 2010:
Expectations were high which is never a good thing. And it wasn't as spectacular as 2001, but then what is? But to be fair, it was good, very good. I found it to be enjoyable and quite involving. Now I'm looking forward to 2061. And 3001. Although I'm not sure if I'll live to get to that but we'll see.
So there it is. Strange though, as most people's reviews of 2010 seem to have missed the point entirely. Hmm...
Friday, August 05, 2011
Big Cheese Badger's Amazing Dream
I had a rather disturbing dream the other night. This is my genuine dream:
I was getting into a lift. But I was aware that if the doors close behind you then you get transported to another dimension. I got transported a few times. So I got out and I tried to reach in and press the button, but got transported again. Then I was at a staircase and there was a flat piece of cardboard lying on the stairs. It inflated to become a man and it advanced towards me!
Suddenly, I was sat around a table with some friends. They were telling the story of when they were driving around and one of them was standing up, poking out of the sunroof, dressed very unconvincingly as the Loch Ness Monster. When they were returning home, another car rammed into them because he thought it was the real Loch Ness Monster, and tried to kill it. I laughed a lot when they told me.
Which is odd, because it's a dream...
Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams? It's like reading a story written by a five-year old. 'Wow, that's amazing, Horatio, you're going to grow up to be a famous novelist.' Yeah, right...
Obviously this dream is the exception - it's a powerful story full of emotional impact and excitement that could kill a man. In fact, as I am a very kind badger, I have, as of this moment, completely removed copyright of the above story, so you may use it as you wish. Perhaps for the basis of the next summer blockbuster? I can see it now:
'Cardboard Man: Dimension Jumper! The Fake Loch Ness Monster.'
I would definitely go see a film with that name.
So yes, your eyes do not deceive you, this is completely free of charge. I feel so strongly that this amazing story should be told to as many people as possible that I will forgo all royalties. Yes, I am amazing... I am, of course, aware of this fact, but it's always nice to be told.
I am also aware of the fact that I am not a dribbling moron with half a banana stuck out of my ear. But it's always nice to be told.
I was getting into a lift. But I was aware that if the doors close behind you then you get transported to another dimension. I got transported a few times. So I got out and I tried to reach in and press the button, but got transported again. Then I was at a staircase and there was a flat piece of cardboard lying on the stairs. It inflated to become a man and it advanced towards me!
Suddenly, I was sat around a table with some friends. They were telling the story of when they were driving around and one of them was standing up, poking out of the sunroof, dressed very unconvincingly as the Loch Ness Monster. When they were returning home, another car rammed into them because he thought it was the real Loch Ness Monster, and tried to kill it. I laughed a lot when they told me.
Which is odd, because it's a dream...
Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams? It's like reading a story written by a five-year old. 'Wow, that's amazing, Horatio, you're going to grow up to be a famous novelist.' Yeah, right...
Obviously this dream is the exception - it's a powerful story full of emotional impact and excitement that could kill a man. In fact, as I am a very kind badger, I have, as of this moment, completely removed copyright of the above story, so you may use it as you wish. Perhaps for the basis of the next summer blockbuster? I can see it now:
'Cardboard Man: Dimension Jumper! The Fake Loch Ness Monster.'
I would definitely go see a film with that name.
So yes, your eyes do not deceive you, this is completely free of charge. I feel so strongly that this amazing story should be told to as many people as possible that I will forgo all royalties. Yes, I am amazing... I am, of course, aware of this fact, but it's always nice to be told.
I am also aware of the fact that I am not a dribbling moron with half a banana stuck out of my ear. But it's always nice to be told.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Star Wars: Phantom Menace 70-Minute Review
If you haven't seen this yet then pull up a chair and have a look. Oh, what's that? You are already sitting down? Ah right, I see. Planning ahead, eh? Well done, take a bow...
Haha, tricked you, now you are standing up again - now I can say: pull up a chair and have a look at this. I am abnormally pleased with myself. But to be fair, I am a moron.
Anyway, if, like me, you were bitterly disappointed with the three prequel films that, at the time completely ruined the Star Wars name, then you should be happy with the reviews as they rip apart the films with much gusto and, more importantly, with much accuracy.
But, as much as I dislike the films, I thought initially: "I'm not watching a bloody 70-minute review." Less than five minutes in and I'm hooked - "I am watching a bloody 70-minute review!"
Anyway, it is very clever, very insightful and very bloody good. Enjoy...
Happy? Now go watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfBhi6qqFLA
and
http://redlettermedia.com/plinkett/star-wars/star-wars-episode-iii-revenge-of-the-sith/
The sad thing is that these reviews are genuinely better than most films I see these days. I might watch them again sometime...
Haha, tricked you, now you are standing up again - now I can say: pull up a chair and have a look at this. I am abnormally pleased with myself. But to be fair, I am a moron.
Anyway, if, like me, you were bitterly disappointed with the three prequel films that, at the time completely ruined the Star Wars name, then you should be happy with the reviews as they rip apart the films with much gusto and, more importantly, with much accuracy.
But, as much as I dislike the films, I thought initially: "I'm not watching a bloody 70-minute review." Less than five minutes in and I'm hooked - "I am watching a bloody 70-minute review!"
Anyway, it is very clever, very insightful and very bloody good. Enjoy...
Happy? Now go watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfBhi6qqFLA
and
http://redlettermedia.com/plinkett/star-wars/star-wars-episode-iii-revenge-of-the-sith/
The sad thing is that these reviews are genuinely better than most films I see these days. I might watch them again sometime...
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Following Gadget
Just been messing about on the blog, changed a few things around, fiddled with this and that, not fiddled with that and this, moved the sofa next to the window and moved the bookshelf behind the table, which is now further out from the wall, laid down a new rug and chucked out the pile of crap that was on the floor. Basically, this all means it's a bit more homely here. You are now slightly closer to the fireplace and the plate of biscuits. Nice.
And I've just this minute added the Following Gadget so please follow me. I promise never to go to dodgy places or boring places. And I shall carry a whomping stick at all times for safety. Voles are not allowed to follow me for obvious reasons. (See website for details on pesky voles.)
I've just decided, kind badger that I am - I'm giving away a free imaginary biscuit for every follower! For a limited time only, I'm afraid, I'm not made of imaginary money.
These biscuits might be imaginary but, by golly, they are very, very tasty.
Arruh! Sorry, I had a mouth-full of my imaginary biscuits there. I meant to say - Enjoy!
BCB
And I've just this minute added the Following Gadget so please follow me. I promise never to go to dodgy places or boring places. And I shall carry a whomping stick at all times for safety. Voles are not allowed to follow me for obvious reasons. (See website for details on pesky voles.)
I've just decided, kind badger that I am - I'm giving away a free imaginary biscuit for every follower! For a limited time only, I'm afraid, I'm not made of imaginary money.
These biscuits might be imaginary but, by golly, they are very, very tasty.
Arruh! Sorry, I had a mouth-full of my imaginary biscuits there. I meant to say - Enjoy!
BCB
Friday, June 17, 2011
Rubicon Tie Speech
Yes, yes, I know, I'm a bit late with this, maybe six weeks, but who cares, eh? Not caretakers anyway.
Anyway, Rubicon - Episode 4 - The Outsider.
This was THE episode. This episode turned this series from one that I watch because I feel I should like things like this to a series which I watch because I do like this. A lot.
Truxton Spangler. What a name. Played excellently by Michael Christofer. Need I say more?
OK, fair enough, I will. Here's the brilliant 'tie speech', in which Spangler (with Will sitting silently next to him) is trying to convince officials from the DoD that API should remain independent of congress. API is the intelligence agency that Spangler runs and Will works at.
--start--
DoD official: If this were entirely our decision we'd be more than happy to keep the entire intelligence community off limits to congress but, uh, there are some political realities in play that make that impossible.
(They get up to leave.)
Spangler: One final thought, if I might.
(They sit back down, reluctantly)
Spangler: When you left the house this morning, wearing that tie. Perhaps your wife stopped you in the doorway; perhaps she told you how good you looked in that tie. How handsome it was. Now while I'm sure you love your wife, might I suggest, you have many reasons to distrust her judgement about that tie.
Maybe she has a fond memory of another time you wore it, a sentimental attachment; or perhaps she knows your tie collection and she's simply glad you didn't choose one of the ties she dislikes. Perhaps she just sensed, you were feeling a little fragile. She felt like bucking you up a bit.
Now, imagine for a minute you sit down here with us, and I say to you, how much I admire that tie. Instantly you have another opinion; but you don't know me; there's nothing personal between us - we have no - sartorial history. No emotional attachment.
Who's judgement are you going to trust? Mine? Or your wife's?
The gentleman to my right is a remarkable intelligence analyst; he is skilled in pattern recognition, systems analysis, emergence theories -- but, but -- in truth, his greatest asset for you -- is that you don't know him. And he doesn't know you. He doesn't care about you. Or your feelings. He just knows -- what your tie looks like.
You can trust him.
--end--
Never has a speech about a tie resonated so much. Never has a speech about a tie been loaded with such depth.
I think we can all learn something here.
...
Although it looks like AMC haven't learnt anything - they cancelled the show after season 1. The fools.
Anyway, Rubicon - Episode 4 - The Outsider.
This was THE episode. This episode turned this series from one that I watch because I feel I should like things like this to a series which I watch because I do like this. A lot.
Truxton Spangler. What a name. Played excellently by Michael Christofer. Need I say more?
OK, fair enough, I will. Here's the brilliant 'tie speech', in which Spangler (with Will sitting silently next to him) is trying to convince officials from the DoD that API should remain independent of congress. API is the intelligence agency that Spangler runs and Will works at.
--start--
DoD official: If this were entirely our decision we'd be more than happy to keep the entire intelligence community off limits to congress but, uh, there are some political realities in play that make that impossible.
(They get up to leave.)
Spangler: One final thought, if I might.
(They sit back down, reluctantly)
Spangler: When you left the house this morning, wearing that tie. Perhaps your wife stopped you in the doorway; perhaps she told you how good you looked in that tie. How handsome it was. Now while I'm sure you love your wife, might I suggest, you have many reasons to distrust her judgement about that tie.
Maybe she has a fond memory of another time you wore it, a sentimental attachment; or perhaps she knows your tie collection and she's simply glad you didn't choose one of the ties she dislikes. Perhaps she just sensed, you were feeling a little fragile. She felt like bucking you up a bit.
Now, imagine for a minute you sit down here with us, and I say to you, how much I admire that tie. Instantly you have another opinion; but you don't know me; there's nothing personal between us - we have no - sartorial history. No emotional attachment.
Who's judgement are you going to trust? Mine? Or your wife's?
The gentleman to my right is a remarkable intelligence analyst; he is skilled in pattern recognition, systems analysis, emergence theories -- but, but -- in truth, his greatest asset for you -- is that you don't know him. And he doesn't know you. He doesn't care about you. Or your feelings. He just knows -- what your tie looks like.
You can trust him.
--end--
Never has a speech about a tie resonated so much. Never has a speech about a tie been loaded with such depth.
I think we can all learn something here.
...
Although it looks like AMC haven't learnt anything - they cancelled the show after season 1. The fools.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wales 1- 3 Scotland
Another fantastic performance from the newly voted Best Football Team in the World* - yet another proud moment to be Welsh.
*Best Football Team in the World award voted by Dafydd Jones and Rhys Ieuan Evans and Jean Pierre Pinot whilst having a ridiculously late brunch in their caravan.
Final Result:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Other categories and their results:
Best Defensive Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Attacking Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Most Flamboyant Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Most Successful Team in the Last Decade:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team in the Solar System:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team in the Universe:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team in the Multiverse:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team that Has Existed and Will Ever Exist Including Imaginary Teams:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best animals:
Whales - 2 votes
Frogs - 1 vote
And one final category was voted after Jean Pierre's intellectually-challenged brother arrived:
Best Passing Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Yemen - 1 vote
A frustrating night for Jean Pierre Pinot and his beloved France.
Awards overheard by BCB whilst arranging his worms into the shape of the WAAB logo prior to consuming them. And then whilst excreting said worms. BCB takes no responsibility for the odours now lurking underneath Jean Pierre Pinot's caravan.
*Best Football Team in the World award voted by Dafydd Jones and Rhys Ieuan Evans and Jean Pierre Pinot whilst having a ridiculously late brunch in their caravan.
Final Result:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Other categories and their results:
Best Defensive Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Attacking Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Most Flamboyant Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Most Successful Team in the Last Decade:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team in the Solar System:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team in the Universe:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team in the Multiverse:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best Team that Has Existed and Will Ever Exist Including Imaginary Teams:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Best animals:
Whales - 2 votes
Frogs - 1 vote
And one final category was voted after Jean Pierre's intellectually-challenged brother arrived:
Best Passing Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Yemen - 1 vote
A frustrating night for Jean Pierre Pinot and his beloved France.
Awards overheard by BCB whilst arranging his worms into the shape of the WAAB logo prior to consuming them. And then whilst excreting said worms. BCB takes no responsibility for the odours now lurking underneath Jean Pierre Pinot's caravan.
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