Wales 0 - 2 England

Another commanding performance from Wales, the powerhouse of world football.

The England players were quaking in their expensive boots in anticipation of this crucial Euro 2012 qualifier. And who can blame them, up against world-class talent such as Millwall's Steve Morison and Andrew Crofts of Norwich City. Even the loss of superstar Gareth Bale two days before the match was not a blow to a team who have Leicester's Andy King to step right in.

The next generation of Wales superstars gave a performance of supreme skill, subtle ingenuity and sincere charm. Alan Hill, son of football legend, Harry Hill, said it was a "dreamlike" performance. He added: "Some teams feel the need to get shots on target to prove that they are a good team. Not Wales, they know they are a good team so they didn't have a single shot on target. "

The Welsh captaincy was a controversial decision but the Welsh manager, Gary Speed, appointed Aaron Ramsey, just a few weeks into his first-team comeback. Already feeling the heavy weight of having being proclaimed the 'future of Welsh football', and desperately trying to regain his form after his horrific injury, Gary Speed saw his opportunity and added to the pressure on the youngsters shoulders. After Wales decided to let England score two goals, you could clearly see that Gary Speed has made the right decision.

Scotland played the almost as mighty Brazil the day after. Neymar, Brazil's hot young striking talent, said after the game: "We try to play good football, but we are no Wales."

Football pundit, Barry Frontwhistle commented after the game: "There is a tendency in the modern game for teams to attempt to score as many goals as possible. Wales offer a refreshing change to that tired and uninspiring formula and try, and succeed, to score nothing. They have only scored in two games in the whole of 2010 and 2011 thus far. Respect to them."

So what's next for the Welsh?

Fellow football pundit, Barry Backwhistle, no relation, adds: "Negative goals?" he says intelligently, whilst stroking his small beard. "If teams could score a negative amount of goals then Wales would be the first team to do it."

And I don't think anyone could argue with that.

Underwater Sea Oscillator - Part 2

The answer is 'no' by the way - I haven't dreamt of the underwater sea oscillator again. Shame.

The underwater sea oscillator sounds like something from a Studio Ghibli production. If that were true, it probably wouldn't be an underwater creature at all - it would be flying through the air, floating over sprawling metropolis and lush green wilderness, with not a care in the world. It would not even register the minuscule creatures on the ground, attempting to bombard it with their minuscule weapons.

But it's only because they are frightened; they do not understand it. In time they will realise that the underwater sea oscillator brings peace, not war.

Typical Ghibli. You gotto love them.

Where am I? Eh? What?

Where am I? What is this place? Oh yes, I remember, I used to frequent this establishment about four and a half years ago. I liked it here. Why did I ever leave?

It's annoying when you let things slip. I think that's what I did four and a half years ago. It happens. It's forgiveable. But after maybe a year of letting things slip, you have to accept that things aren't just slipping anymore - it's slipped, flapped around in a panic for a while and then landed. (Slipping things have to land sometime.) And in this case it landed awkwardly, causing serious pain. Although some passers-by found it funny.

Luckily a kind chap, after he had stopped laughing, dialled 999 and before you can say 'too many things to do' the ambulance arrived and shipped the poorly thing to hospital. Unfortunately due to a surgeon's strike that day, as they were selflessly campaigning for lower pay, the caretakers were operating on the patients. As you can imagine, things didn't go to plan. Although to be fair the caretaker in question didn't have a plan so for him, things went exactly not to plan. Ouch.

Caretaker - suddenly I see the word as quite sinister. They take away the care. Then what's left? I dare not answer...

Anyway, when the surgeons returned the next day they attempted to fix the crocked thing. Sadly the thing caught an infection and had to have a limb amputated; this time thankfully performed by a fully-qualified surgeon. Unfortunately the surgeon in question was a rather cavalier toast rack in disguise; he had seen Catch Me If You Can a few too many times; and with the confidence of a madman, he removed all his limbs. He thought it was funny at the time but later regretted it. He is now seeking rehabilitation in hospital; it's going well but on numerous occasions he needs to be restrained on the floor by several slices of toast.

The trauma of being in a state of limblessness caused total amnesia resulting in two years of living in a bin. After seeing a badger in a straw hat amble by, it's memory returns and it limped homeward in a non-possession of limbs type of way... All because I let it slip four and half years ago.

It arrived home last night and so it has led us to here.

That's what I think happened to it anyway. Well, I won't be letting things slip again. No way. I'm not having all those ridiculously unbelievably bad things happen again.

Although you shouldn't believe me when I make these promises. Even I don't believe me, and I'm me.

Oops... no it's OK, I caught it. Phew.