Where am I? What is this place? Oh yes, I remember, I used to frequent this establishment about four and a half years ago. I liked it here. Why did I ever leave?
It's annoying when you let things slip. I think that's what I did four and a half years ago. It happens. It's forgiveable. But after maybe a year of letting things slip, you have to accept that things aren't just slipping anymore - it's slipped, flapped around in a panic for a while and then landed. (Slipping things have to land sometime.) And in this case it landed awkwardly, causing serious pain. Although some passers-by found it funny.
Luckily a kind chap, after he had stopped laughing, dialled 999 and before you can say 'too many things to do' the ambulance arrived and shipped the poorly thing to hospital. Unfortunately due to a surgeon's strike that day, as they were selflessly campaigning for lower pay, the caretakers were operating on the patients. As you can imagine, things didn't go to plan. Although to be fair the caretaker in question didn't have a plan so for him, things went exactly not to plan. Ouch.
Caretaker - suddenly I see the word as quite sinister. They take away the care. Then what's left? I dare not answer...
Anyway, when the surgeons returned the next day they attempted to fix the crocked thing. Sadly the thing caught an infection and had to have a limb amputated; this time thankfully performed by a fully-qualified surgeon. Unfortunately the surgeon in question was a rather cavalier toast rack in disguise; he had seen Catch Me If You Can a few too many times; and with the confidence of a madman, he removed all his limbs. He thought it was funny at the time but later regretted it. He is now seeking rehabilitation in hospital; it's going well but on numerous occasions he needs to be restrained on the floor by several slices of toast.
The trauma of being in a state of limblessness caused total amnesia resulting in two years of living in a bin. After seeing a badger in a straw hat amble by, it's memory returns and it limped homeward in a non-possession of limbs type of way... All because I let it slip four and half years ago.
It arrived home last night and so it has led us to here.
That's what I think happened to it anyway. Well, I won't be letting things slip again. No way. I'm not having all those ridiculously unbelievably bad things happen again.
Although you shouldn't believe me when I make these promises. Even I don't believe me, and I'm me.
Oops... no it's OK, I caught it. Phew.
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