The Beatherder Festival 2012 Review (If you can call it a review)

I thoroughly recommend the Beatherder Festival in lovely Lancashire. Great music, great atmosphere and great people.

Beatherder even has a small tunnel, which should excite all you fellow underground gadabouts. They actually call it a teleportation portal but I have my doubts. For one thing, casually having teleportation technology in a music festival is a bit too much to believe. And the teleportation itself is not instant; it seems to take about as long as it would take you to crawl through the teleportation tunnel. And on top of all that, the teleportation process itself feels alot like crawling through a tunnel.

I spoke to the chap manning the exit about my concerns but he assured me that it was a fully functioning teleportation device. He spoke with an air of authority and had one of those high-viz jackets on so I believed him. Since then I've been having my doubts so I think I'll have another go next year before coming to a firm conclusion. Try it for yourself and let me know your findings.

I even met my Top Twin on the last day of the festival which capped off an excellent weekend. I was walking past this chap, and I did a double-take - he had the same jacket as me. Amazing story, eh? But it gets better - we started talking and he even had the same name as me. I don't mean he was called the Big Cheese Badger, that would be ridiculous, there is only one Big Cheese Badger. No, I mean his name was the same as the other name I sometimes go by, the ever-so-slightly less exciting one. Anyway, quality chap.

So who's coming next year then? If the teleportation tunnel and the prospect of meeting your top twin doesn't convince you to come then I don't know what will. Oh yeah, maybe all the other great stuff going on there which I have merely alluded to. But I think I'll leave some other sensible reviewer to talk about all that. I'm far too busy at the moment trying to burp the alphabet. Britain's Got Talent here I come.

After The Apocalypse

I saw this rather moving True Stories documentary on More4 last year but you can still watch it on 4od.

It focuses on the people of "The Polygon" region of Kazakhstan as they struggle with the consequences of nuclear bomb testing from the Soviet era. One in twenty children are now born with defects. Bibigul is one such resident and she fights for her right to have a child.

I have transcribed below a speech by Bibigul's mother, which I found rather moving; almost primitive but so eloquent at the same time.

It is better to lie under the ground than to be laughed at by people. A figure of fun. Everybody makes fun of me. People on the street. People walking by. It doesn’t matter. It is better to leave this world.

I am angry that I am not lying under the black earth. That is the only thing I am angry about. I want the black earth.

For the last ten to fifteen years they have been chasing me. But forget about me. They have started to chase my daughters now, both of them. Pestering her everywhere.

I am a Polygon victim. She is a Polygon victim too. All she wants is to have a baby. So why don’t they just ignore the fact that she is from the Polygon and just let her give birth.

Watching harrowing documentaries such as this puts most of the problems we have in our comfortable lives into perspective.

Jean Pierre Pinot's Visit

Jean Pierre Pinot came to my Sett last week demanding an imaginary biscuit. It was unfortunate as I'd given the last of my stock just that very morning to Gwynfor Tennessee McJones, the Mayor of Badgerville. The Mayor had come around to discuss the right-of-way issues on the Badgerville high street. But we ended up eating imaginary biscuits and playing Badger Quest. Far more exciting than transport issues, even if they were Badgerville transport issues.

Jean Pierre Pinot was getting frustrated and rather aggressive at the lack of imaginary biscuits. But what could I do? I didn't have any left. Then I suddenly had a great idea, which I am still proud of today - I attacked Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.

It was a frenzied attack that, if I'm honest, I've wanted to do for quite some time. And thankfully the spoon wasn't imaginary otherwise it wouldn't have been half as satisfying. If you get the chance, I thoroughly recommend attacking Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.

As for the imaginary biscuits, don't worry folks, I'm getting another batch in tomorrow. And, because of his indiscretions, Jean Pierre Pinot will not be getting any.

And, also, because he is a twat.

Big Cheese Badger's Review of 2010

Everyone seems to be writing a review of 2010 this year. Why on earth is this? Most seem to have written their review in early January or last December, so it appears that, with it being August, I am late with my own review.

But late or not, I couldn't stop myself from jumping on the bandwagon. Even if I couldn't actually see the bandwagon anywhere. I am nothing if not a persistent badger, so I ran like a closely-shaved badger for ruddy miles to catch up with said bandwagon. But when I caught up with it, I frustratingly couldn't jump on it, as it had been set ablaze. It was clearly abandoned as there wasn't a soul for miles. Typical. After waiting patiently for forty-two hours for the fire go out, all that was left was a pile of ash. So I thought I wasn't going to come all this way for nothing - so I heartily jumped on the ash. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

So here it is folks, the Big Cheese Badger's review of 2010:

Expectations were high as you'd expect, but it wasn't as spectacular and ground-breaking as 2001. But did we honestly think it would be? However, it was enjoyable, gripping, involving and it left me wanting more. Now I'm looking forward to 2061 and 3001. I'm not sure if I'll live to see them but my claws are crossed.

So there it is, was it worth all that huffing and puffing, just to jump on some hot ash? Probably not, but at least it's out of my system. It's strange though, as most reviews of 2010 seem to have missed the point entirely.

Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster

I had a rather disturbing dream the other night:

I was getting into a lift. But I was somehow aware that if the doors closed behind me then I'd get transported to another dimension. I got transported a few times, much to my annoyance. But for some reason I was determined to beat it. So I had an idea: I got out of the lift and I tried to reach in and press the button, hoping that the lift would go and I wouldn't be transported; but I got transported again. Who knows what I was really trying to achieve.

Then the next thing I remember I was standing facing a staircase and there was a flat piece of cardboard lying rather ominously at the bottom of the stairs. Nothing weird about that, surely? But suddenly, before my very eyes, the piece of cardboard inflated into the shape of a man. The whole inflating process was very impressive to behold, thinking back that is. However, at the time I was very scared of this inflating cardboard freak. You'd be surprised at how scary a self-inflated piece of cardboard is. The fully-inflated cardboard man then advanced towards me in a 'I'm going to rip your limbs off and shove them down your throat' fashion, but thankfully I don't remember what happened next. Presumably he didn't succeed, as the dream moved on:

Suddenly, I was sat around a table with some friends, having fun, chatting. They were telling me the story of when they were driving around one night and one of them was standing up in the car, poking out of the sunroof, and dressed very unconvincingly as the Loch Ness Monster. I could picture it perfectly, and they were right - it was a terribly unconvincing Loch Ness Monster costume. Anyway they were nearly home, when suddenly another car drove straight towards them and rammed into them. The driver of this other car thought it was the real Loch Ness Monster on the rampage, and tried to kill it. What a stupid moron; how could he possibly think that ridiculous Loch Ness Monster costumer was the "real" Loch Ness Monster? Not to mention that it was driving around in a car. What an idiot. I laughed a lot when they told me.

In the dream I mean. Which is nice as you don't often laugh at something stupid in a dream. I also laughed once I woke up, which prompted this exercise in sharing.

Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams? They have no real point or direction and they are usually just fragments loosely joined together. It's like reading a story written by a five-year old. "Wow, that's amazing, Horatio, you're going to grow up to be a famous novelist."

Obviously this dream is the exception - it's a powerful story full of emotional impact, and excitement that could kill a man. In fact, I feel so strongly that this amazing story should be shared across the world, that I have completely removed copyright from it and will forgo all royalties, so you may use it and retell it as you wish. Perhaps for the basis of the next summer movie blockbuster? I can see it now:

"Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster"

I would definitely go and see a film called Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster.

Yes, you are right, my kindness knows no bounds, I am amazing. I am, of course, aware of this fact, but it's always nice to be told.

I am also aware of the fact that I am not a dribbling moron with half a banana stuck out of my ear. But it's always nice to be told.

Star Wars Prequels Reviews

If, like me, you were bitterly disappointed with the three prequel films, that at the time completely ruined all of your great Star Wars memories, then you should enjoy watching these reviews as they rip apart the films with much gusto and, more importantly, with much accuracy.

But, be warned they are long; The Phantom Menace review is 70 minutes in length. As much as I dislike the films I initially thought: "I'm not watching a ruddy 70-minute review." But less than five minutes in and I was hooked - "I am watching a ruddy 70-minute review!"

Anyway, they are very clever, very insightful and very bloody good. Enjoy...

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace Review:



Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Review:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfBhi6qqFLA

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Review:
http://redlettermedia.com/plinkett/star-wars/star-wars-episode-iii-revenge-of-the-sith/

The sad thing is that these reviews are genuinely better than most films that are released in the cinemas these days. Hmm, I might watch them again some day...

Following Gadget

Just been messing about on the blog, changed a few things around, fiddled with this and that, not fiddled with that and this, moved the sofa next to the window and moved the bookshelf behind the table, which is now further out from the wall, laid down a new rug and chucked out the pile of crap that was on the floor. Basically, this all means it's a bit more homely here. You are now slightly closer to the fireplace and the plate of biscuits. Nice.

And I've just this minute added the Following Gadget so please follow me. I promise never to go to dodgy places or boring places. And I shall carry a whomping stick at all times for safety. Moles are not allowed to follow me for obvious reasons. (See WeAreAllBadgers for details on pesky moles.)

I've just decided, kind badger that I am, that I'll be giving away a free imaginary biscuit for every follower! For a limited time only I'm afraid, I'm not made of imaginary money.

These biscuits might be imaginary but, by golly, they are very, very tasty.

Wurruh! Sorry, I had a mouthful of my imaginary biscuits there. I tried to say - Enjoy!

BCB

Rubicon Tie Speech

Rubicon - Episode 4 - The Outsider

This was THE episode. This episode turned this series from one that I watch because I feel I should like things like this to a series which I watch because I do like this. A lot.

Michael Christofer plays Truxton Spangler. What a great name. And what a great character.

Here's the brilliant "tie speech", in which Spangler (with Will silently sitting next to him) is trying to convince officials from the DoD that API should remain independent of congress. API is the intelligence agency that Spangler runs and Will works at.

--start--

DoD official: If this were entirely our decision we'd be more than happy to keep the entire intelligence community off limits to congress but, uh, there are some political realities in play that make that impossible.

(They get up to leave.)

Spangler: One final thought, if I might.

(They reluctantly sit back down)

Spangler: When you left the house this morning, wearing that tie. Perhaps your wife stopped you in the doorway; perhaps she told you how good you looked in that tie. How handsome it was. Now while I'm sure you love your wife, might I suggest, you have many reasons to distrust her judgement about that tie.

Maybe she has a fond memory of another time you wore it, a sentimental attachment; or perhaps she knows your tie collection and she's simply glad you didn't choose one of the ties she dislikes. Perhaps she just sensed, you were feeling a little fragile. She felt like bucking you up a bit.

Now, imagine for a minute you sit down here with us, and I say to you, how much I admire that tie. Instantly you have another opinion; but you don't know me; there's nothing personal between us - we have no - sartorial history. No emotional attachment.

Who's judgement are you going to trust? Mine? Or your wife's?

The gentleman to my right is a remarkable intelligence analyst; he is skilled in pattern recognition, systems analysis, emergence theories -- but, but -- in truth, his greatest asset for you -- is that you don't know him. And he doesn't know you. He doesn't care about you. Or your feelings. He just knows -- what your tie looks like.

You can trust him.

--end--

Never has a speech about a tie had such resonance. Never has a speech about a tie had such depth. Never has a speech about a tie ever been transcribed before.

I think we can all learn something here.

...

Although it looks like AMC haven't learnt anything - they cancelled the show after season one. The fools.

Wales 1- 3 Scotland

Another fantastic performance from the newly voted Best Football Team in the World* - yet another proud moment to be Welsh.

*Best Football Team in the World award voted by Dafydd Jones and Rhys Ieuan Evans and Jean Pierre Pinot whilst having a ridiculously late brunch in their caravan.

Final Result:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Other categories and their results:

Best Defensive Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Attacking Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Most Flamboyant Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Most Successful Team in the Last Decade:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team in the Solar System:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team in the Universe:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team in the Multiverse:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team that Has Existed and Will Ever Exist Including Imaginary Teams:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best animals:
Dragons - 2 votes
Frogs - 1 vote

And one final category was voted for after Jean Pierre's intellectually-challenged brother arrived:

Best Passing Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Yemen - 1 vote

A frustrating night for Jean Pierre Pinot and his beloved France.

Awards overheard by BCB whilst arranging his worms into the shape of the WAAB logo prior to consuming them. And then whilst excreting said worms. BCB takes no responsibility for the odours now lurking underneath Jean Pierre Pinot's caravan.

Wales 0 - 2 England

Another commanding performance from Wales, the powerhouse of world football.

The England players were quaking in their expensive boots in anticipation of this crucial Euro 2012 qualifier. And who can blame them, up against world-class talent such as Millwall's Steve Morison and Andrew Crofts of Norwich City. Even the loss of superstar Gareth Bale two days before the match was not a blow to a team who have Leicester's Andy King to step right in.

The next generation of Wales superstars gave a performance of supreme skill, subtle ingenuity and sincere charm. Alan Hill, son of football legend, Harry Hill, said it was a "dreamlike" performance. He added: "Some teams feel the need to get shots on target to prove that they are a good team. Not Wales, they know they are a good team so they didn't have a single shot on target. "

The Welsh captaincy was a controversial decision but the Welsh manager, Gary Speed, appointed Aaron Ramsey, just a few weeks into his first-team comeback. Already feeling the heavy weight of having being proclaimed the 'future of Welsh football', and desperately trying to regain his form after his horrific injury, Gary Speed saw his opportunity and added to the pressure on the youngsters shoulders. After Wales decided to let England score two goals, you could clearly see that Gary Speed has made the right decision.

Scotland played the almost as mighty Brazil the day after. Neymar, Brazil's hot young striking talent, said after the game: "We try to play good football, but we are no Wales."

Football pundit, Barry Frontwhistle commented after the game: "There is a tendency in the modern game for teams to attempt to score as many goals as possible. Wales offer a refreshing change to that tired and uninspiring formula and try, and succeed, to score nothing. They have only scored in two games in the whole of 2010 and 2011 thus far. Respect to them."

So what's next for the Welsh?

Fellow football pundit, Barry Backwhistle, no relation, adds: "Negative goals?" he says intelligently, whilst stroking his small beard. "If teams could score a negative amount of goals then Wales would be the first team to do it."

And I don't think anyone could argue with that.

Underwater Sea Oscillator - Part 2

The answer is 'no' by the way - I haven't dreamt of the underwater sea oscillator again. Shame.

The underwater sea oscillator sounds like something from a Studio Ghibli production. If that were true, it probably wouldn't be an underwater creature at all - it would be flying through the air, floating over sprawling metropolis and lush green wilderness, with not a care in the world. It would not even register the minuscule creatures on the ground, attempting to bombard it with their minuscule weapons.

But it's only because they are frightened; they do not understand it. In time they will realise that the underwater sea oscillator brings peace, not war.

Typical Ghibli. You gotto love them.

Where am I? Eh? What?

Where am I? What is this place? Oh yes, I remember, I used to frequent this establishment about four and a half years ago. I liked it here. Why did I ever leave?

It's annoying when you let things slip. I think that's what I did four and a half years ago. It happens. It's forgiveable. But after maybe a year of letting things slip, you have to accept that things aren't just slipping anymore - it's slipped, flapped around in a panic for a while and then landed. (Slipping things have to land sometime.) And in this case it landed awkwardly, causing serious pain. Although some passers-by found it funny.

Luckily a kind chap, after he had stopped laughing, dialled 999 and before you can say 'too many things to do' the ambulance arrived and shipped the poorly thing to hospital. Unfortunately due to a surgeon's strike that day, as they were selflessly campaigning for lower pay, the caretakers were operating on the patients. As you can imagine, things didn't go to plan. Although to be fair the caretaker in question didn't have a plan so for him, things went exactly not to plan. Ouch.

Caretaker - suddenly I see the word as quite sinister. They take away the care. Then what's left? I dare not answer...

Anyway, when the surgeons returned the next day they attempted to fix the crocked thing. Sadly the thing caught an infection and had to have a limb amputated; this time thankfully performed by a fully-qualified surgeon. Unfortunately the surgeon in question was a rather cavalier toast rack in disguise; he had seen Catch Me If You Can a few too many times; and with the confidence of a madman, he removed all his limbs. He thought it was funny at the time but later regretted it. He is now seeking rehabilitation in hospital; it's going well but on numerous occasions he needs to be restrained on the floor by several slices of toast.

The trauma of being in a state of limblessness caused total amnesia resulting in two years of living in a bin. After seeing a badger in a straw hat amble by, it's memory returns and it limped homeward in a non-possession of limbs type of way... All because I let it slip four and half years ago.

It arrived home last night and so it has led us to here.

That's what I think happened to it anyway. Well, I won't be letting things slip again. No way. I'm not having all those ridiculously unbelievably bad things happen again.

Although you shouldn't believe me when I make these promises. Even I don't believe me, and I'm me.

Oops... no it's OK, I caught it. Phew.

Underwater Sea Oscillator

I had a dream last night and in that dream was an underwater sea oscillator. I don't remember what it looked like but at the time I remember looking at it and saying with a certain degree of knowledge: 'That's an underwater sea oscillator.'

When I woke up I wrote the name down as I liked the sound of it; despite the redundant language - bit of tautology in action right there. (PNS Syndrome anyone?)

Any ideas what this strange creature could be? I consider it to be a grand beast; one that drifts along the ocean currents with little to worry it's dignified mindset; confident in it's own strengths. I wonder if I shall dream of the underwater sea oscillator tonight...

Food faces!

A long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away... no, hold on, it was this galaxy actually, I often get mixed up; I'll rephrase that: a long time ago... I used to make faces with my leftover food. But not at home as that would be terribly sad; just in cafes and eateries. It works well with pizza if you leave the crusts; and all-day-breakfasts as there is flexibility with the variety of items. However, this can only be experienced if you are either too full to finish or the food is rubbish.

This hobby both flexes your artistic skills and lets you embarrass your friends when the waiter/waitress comes around to collect the plates. It is a: 'im not with this guy' sort of situation. Although to be honest the waitresses often don't even notice half the time.

I must admit I don't partake much these days but the last time I partook, the two girls I was with loved the idea and got well stuck in. Unfortunately the waitress didn't notice their fine efforts as she rushed over and plonked the plates on top of each other and rushed away. All that work for nothing.

When you think about this 'making faces with your food' business you realise that it's actually quite a friendly and nice thing to do: the cooks make an effort to give you nicely presented food; so you should do the same for them in return.

Try it!

: - ) (made with two baked beans, a piece of toast crust and a stringy bacon rind)

Hamper-style!

On the subject of making sandwiches for lunch at work, I found that I mostly couldn't be bothered. I haven't done so in ages but I stumbled onto a bit of a middle-ground solution in the process. That solution I have named hamper-style.

Hamper-style is an elegant solution for those too lazy to make sandwiches but don't want to eat-out for whatever reason. It also appeals to those harking back to the days before sandwiches: the days when you would have a 'bit of this' and a 'bit of that' on your plate; and this is what hamper-style is in a nutshell.

In my use of hamper-style, I placed several items in my lunchbox such as a lump of bread, a few slices of meat, a block of cheese and some sliced cucumber and maybe a few cherry tomatoes thrown in for good measure. Make sure they are good quality ingredients otherwise it just doesn't work. You can then enjoy the items one by one or combine them in whatever combination takes your fancy. A multitude of eating choices which a sandwich can never give you.

Of course, I admit that there is some preparation required to create your hamper-style lunch, such as slicing things and chopping things and ripping things; but even so, it is still much quicker than making a sandwich.

I coined the phrase hamper-style as it was reminiscent of a hamper. It is also called traditional-style as this is what we used to do in ages past.

I find it quite satisfying a meal and I am here to promote this as a way forward for the nation and to encourage the subsequent death of sandwiches.

Death to sandwiches!

Hey, hold on a minute, I like sandwiches, what am I saying? Can't hamper-style and sandwiches co-exist on this earth? Yes, I'll give that a go first, and if that fails I shall destroy all sandwiches. And I will, you know? If pushed I will do just that. It's not a ridiculous objective in the slightest. And no, I don't have too much time on my hands. Hey, don't mock me, this is serious. Right, I've had enough, I'm coming around there right now to knock that pesky sandwich right out of your mouth!

As a wise man once said: 'You can make hamper-style out of a sandwich but you can't make a sandwich out of hamper-style.'

BCB

Milky Jam

Today I drunk milk from an empty jam jar. It was strangely satisfying as jars are quite solid constructs.

If I were you then I would definitely add it to my 'things to do before I die' list. Tarry not for you may be slain by a heinous beast mayhap on the morrow.

Milky Wine

Today I have been mostly drinking milk from a wine glass.

It's surprisingly entertaining.

Sadly, it is the highlight of my day.

Lions and Tigers...

...but not in Kenya. Maybe later in Kenya; aboot time I listened to that again...

Anyway, my good friend told me a story about her sister tother day; her 'one piece of paper short of an 80-sheet narrow-lined refill pad' sister. I shan't name my friend, although if she read this then she would of course know. If the sister read this then I'm in trouble! Anyway, my good friend, I shall call her 'Ethel' for the purposes of this blog. The reason for the choice of Ethel is onefold: you can eliminate the name I give from the 'list of names that she might be' so if I gave a common or a normal name then you would be able to cross that off your list. (Unless I double-bluff you but that would require far too much intelligence...) So if I name her Ethel then it's a name you can't cross off your list because it's not there already. No-one in their right mind is called Ethel these days. Not that it's a choice of course but I still stand by my decision. Actually if anyone calls their offspring, Ethel, then please let me know and I shall come around and remove you from the gene pool. It's a painless procedure perfected by medical science. Just let me know, it's for the good of humanity.

Correction: it is twofold: I like renaming people into old-fashioned names and such like. I shall tell her the exciting news of her new name tomorrow...

Anyway, her sister yes; I haven't got all day. Actually btw her sister is a teacher which will scare you once you realise how scary that fact is. Basically, which will be once you finish reading this. Which could be a while at this pace...so ok, her sister, Ethel's sister, we shall call her Spongebob Squarepants for the sole reason that I have no idea what her name is. So Spongebob Squarepants phones Ethel for advice one day: Spongebob says to Ethel: 'You know lions?'

Ethel replies with a suspicious 'mmm'.

Spongebob continues: 'Well, you know the males are the ones with the manes?'

Again, Ethel is suspicous; she knows her sister too well by now: 'yes,' she replies hesitantly.

'Well, the females...are they the ones with the stripes?'

...

...

As I say, she's a teacher... scary thought. It's the kids I feel sorry for... they'll end up coming out of school thinking that black is white, blue is poo, and shitting in your pants is perfectly normal. OK maybe not, but I can't be bothered to finish that sensibly as I'm suddenly in bad mood due to extraneous stimuli. Pah.

Laptop-tastic

Yep, it's a good job that my trusty laptop is in my possession. Kind of superfluous to requirements previously but not now. Very useful because my desktop PC has died...

Highly interesting stuff I'm sure...

I was going to write something here but I've forgotten...

Damn.

Seriously. Damn.

Offsite

Had to mention my boring day straight out of hell, or a near-by area of equal torment and never-ending pain, which in work terms is known as an 'offsite'.

OK, so maybe it wasn't as bad as it first appeared to be... but to be fair it was shit. I'm glad it is over because I have no enthusiasm for such pointlessnesses. Other folk seem to be at least slightly interested but sadly not me. OK, some of it was fine, but that was the non-work related malarky. I'm just glad it's over for another year.

Tother folk will be out tomorrow celebrating their bonuses. Not me though. Don't get me wrong, I am most pleased with my bonza bonus and I will be going out too. So what's going on? Well, I shall be out celebrating the end of the offsite not the bonus. Huzzah!

Now that ickle whinge is out of my system, time for nitenite.