Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Jean Pierre Pinot's Visit

Jean Pierre Pinot came to my Sett last week demanding an imaginary biscuit. It was unfortunate as I'd given the last of my stock just that very morning to Gwynfor Tennessee McJones, the Mayor of Badgerville. The Mayor had come around to discuss the right-of-way issues on the Badgerville high street. But we ended up eating imaginary biscuits and playing Badger Quest. Far more exciting than transport issues, even if they were Badgerville transport issues.

Jean Pierre Pinot was getting frustrated and rather aggressive at the lack of imaginary biscuits. But what could I do? I didn't have any left. Then I suddenly had a great idea, which I am still proud of today - I attacked Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.

It was a frenzied attack that, if I'm honest, I've wanted to do for quite some time. And thankfully the spoon wasn't imaginary otherwise it wouldn't have been half as satisfying. If you get the chance, I thoroughly recommend attacking Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.

As for the imaginary biscuits, don't worry folks, I'm getting another batch in tomorrow. And, because of his indiscretions, Jean Pierre Pinot will not be getting any.

And, also, because he is a twat.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Big Cheese Badger's Review of 2010

Everyone seems to be writing a review of 2010 this year. Why on earth is this? Most seem to have written their review in early January or last December, so it appears that, with it being August, I am late with my own review.

But late or not, I couldn't stop myself from jumping on the bandwagon. Even if I couldn't actually see the bandwagon anywhere. I am nothing if not a persistent badger, so I ran like a closely-shaved badger for ruddy miles to catch up with said bandwagon. But when I caught up with it, I frustratingly couldn't jump on it, as it had been set ablaze. It was clearly abandoned as there wasn't a soul for miles. Typical. After waiting patiently for forty-two hours for the fire go out, all that was left was a pile of ash. So I thought I wasn't going to come all this way for nothing - so I heartily jumped on the ash. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

So here it is folks, the Big Cheese Badger's review of 2010:
Expectations were high as you'd expect, but it wasn't as spectacular and ground-breaking as 2001. But did we honestly think it would be? However, it was enjoyable, gripping, involving and it left me wanting more. Now I'm looking forward to 2061 and 3001. I'm not sure if I'll live to see them but my claws are crossed.
So there it is, was it worth all that huffing and puffing, just to jump on some hot ash? Probably not, but at least it's out of my system. It's strange though, as most reviews of 2010 seem to have missed the point entirely.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster

I had a rather disturbing dream the other night:
I was getting into a lift. But I was somehow aware that if the doors closed behind me then I'd get transported to another dimension. I got transported a few times, much to my annoyance. But for some reason I was determined to beat it. So I had an idea: I got out of the lift and I tried to reach in and press the button, hoping that the lift would go and I wouldn't be transported; but I got transported again. Who knows what I was really trying to achieve.

Then the next thing I remember I was standing facing a staircase and there was a flat piece of cardboard lying rather ominously at the bottom of the stairs. Nothing weird about that, surely? But suddenly, before my very eyes, the piece of cardboard inflated into the shape of a man. The whole inflating process was very impressive to behold, thinking back that is. However, at the time I was very scared of this inflating cardboard freak. You'd be surprised at how scary a self-inflated piece of cardboard is. The fully-inflated cardboard man then advanced towards me in a 'I'm going to rip your limbs off and shove them down your throat' fashion, but thankfully I don't remember what happened next. Presumably he didn't succeed, as the dream moved on:

Suddenly, I was sat around a table with some friends, having fun, chatting. They were telling me the story of when they were driving around one night and one of them was standing up in the car, poking out of the sunroof, and dressed very unconvincingly as the Loch Ness Monster. I could picture it perfectly, and they were right - it was a terribly unconvincing Loch Ness Monster costume. Anyway they were nearly home, when suddenly another car drove straight towards them and rammed into them. The driver of this other car thought it was the real Loch Ness Monster on the rampage, and tried to kill it. What a stupid moron; how could he possibly think that ridiculous Loch Ness Monster costumer was the "real" Loch Ness Monster? Not to mention that it was driving around in a car. What an idiot. I laughed a lot when they told me.
In the dream I mean. Which is nice as you don't often laugh at something stupid in a dream. I also laughed once I woke up, which prompted this exercise in sharing.

Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams? They have no real point or direction and they are usually just fragments loosely joined together. It's like reading a story written by a five-year old. "Wow, that's amazing, Horatio, you're going to grow up to be a famous novelist."

Obviously this dream is the exception - it's a powerful story full of emotional impact, and excitement that could kill a man. In fact, I feel so strongly that this amazing story should be shared across the world, that I have completely removed copyright from it and will forgo all royalties, so you may use it and retell it as you wish. Perhaps for the basis of the next summer movie blockbuster? I can see it now:

"Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster"

I would definitely go and see a film called Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster.

Yes, you are right, my kindness knows no bounds, I am amazing. I am, of course, aware of this fact, but it's always nice to be told.

I am also aware of the fact that I am not a dribbling moron with half a banana stuck out of my ear. But it's always nice to be told.