Wednesday, September 21, 2005


A stupid woman was whinging to the camera about being a 'sheepgoat' for whatever she was whinging about. Of course she meant scapegoat. Made me laugh.

Reminds me of the chimera - the geep - part goat, part sheep that they made in the 90s. 'They' being scientists in America. Great word geep. Better than sheat. But not better than shat.

Badpus - a cross between a badger and a platypus. If only the world was that great.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

No time to spit...

I'll try though: ok, maybe I do have time to spit but I don't have time to write this twaffle.

Blog and drawings have taken a step back recently due to trying to redesign my website. It's kindof going well - it just takes ages though. Also issues at home have taken up my time and thoughts which is a setback but one tries to be positive.

Also I am trying to go to the land of nod earlier to attempt to feel less shattered during the day. Makes sense. But there are just too many things to do!


Friday, September 16, 2005

Minor victories

The past few days were very good for minor victories. By that I mean the sort of thing that bugs you for a few days or a few weeks or in one case here, a few months; the sort of niggling 'what was the name of the person in that film' sort of thing.

The first minor victory occurred while watching Nighty Night tother night. The Welsh one was eating some crisps and said something along the lines of 'I love frazzles I do.' Reason I was happy is that I was trying to remember what the crispy bacon flavour corn snack was called. Ha! Now I do. Thank you, Julia Davies! And thank you me for watching it!

The second and more satisfying victory was when a newsreader including the word 'hyperbole' in his piece. Ha! I thought; I was sure that was the word that I forgot about six months or so ago to describe excessive exaggeration which is not meant to be taken literally e.g. 'i'm starving to death'. I immediately leapt up and grabbed my dic...

Sorry, distracted by a wasp there for a second.

...tionary. And bugger me sideways, it was right there in the dictionary as exactly what I thought it was. I was most pleased. Finally I have closure on this issue which has bugged me for fecking ages; can't remember exactly how long; mayhap six months or so. I was asking my mum if she remembered at all because I was whingeing about this to her way back then.

Anyway, it's such a good word that people should use it more. Although I must admit I rarely do due to lack of opportunity. However, I do think about it every single day now for fear of forgetting it once more and going through another six months of confusion and dribbling. On second thoughts that's got nothing to do with forgetting words...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Christ in a Bucket!

Kind of like a phrase of surprise like 'Christ on a Bike!' but as far as I know the former has not been used before! Hold on while I Google....

Christ in a bucket! There's loads of them! How bizarre. I thought I had invented a new 'Christ' phrase. Oh well, never mind; I'm sure I'll cope...

Anyway, the reason I mentioned it is because I was trying to remember where it came from. This might splurge out of my brain as I type but we'll see...

I definitely know that I was with my mate Stan in the Fantavo coffee bar in Prague train station. It's upstairs - look for the big green signs. The good thing about that place is the actual room it is in. It has a faded charm about it. And it has neat little phone boxes.

Anyway, we stumbled on the subject of religion as we often do; we have big issues about religion, but that's another story. For some reason we stumbled onto the subject of the body and blood of Christ; the concept of the stuff you get in church actually being the blood and body of Christ. It conjures up the image of Jesus being made of soggy rice paper, red wine dripping everywhere. He usually leaves a trail behind him. Our conversation went on to discuss the trials and tribulations that this would bring. These were some of our thoughts, at least what I remember:

We explained why this man had lots of followers as there would always be a crowd following behind him, licking the floor. Several brave souls would even lie on the floor underneath him and wait for the drops. As time went by they got increasingly more cheeky: they would also wring Jesus Christ's arm to get a little more wine out of it. This used to annoy Jesus as his arm would be a limp mess. The times he would have to squeeze his arm back into shape is no one's business.

Once a really hungry dog ran off with his leg whilst he was trying to relax in a park. It was both tiring and embarrassing to have to hop after the trouble-making hound. He finally caught up with the dog and managed to wrestle his leg back from it. He is still embarrassed to this day for smacking the poor dog with a big stick. These are the sort of things they don't mention in the Bible.

Unfortunately the dog had eaten a little of the leg so from that day onwards Jesus had one leg shorter than the other. Explains why he had a limp for most of his life.

The day he was crucified was not really an issue for Jesus. They nailed him to the cross but it did not hurt; they went straight through his rice-paper arms and legs. He'd done much worse trying to chop onions at home. He was always quick to start crying when chopping onions which really doesn't help with the hand-eye co-ordination.

Now to get to the point, I can't quite remember how Jesus Christ ended up in the bucket; it hasn't come to me whilst twoffling this down. I can only assume that several days on the cross in the baking heat would melt a rice-paper man straight into the bucket strategically placed underneath him.

'Christ in a bucket!' the onlookers would say. As I say, I can't quite remember.

I still find it bizarre that there are lots of occurrences of this on tinterweb. I'm shocked but also pleased as I thought it to be an excellent phrase. It's nice to know it is being used.

I apologise to anyone who has read this as I really don't know what I would remember from my conversation from about five weeks ago. I can hardly remember myself, so what hope does anyone else have? Anyway, the purpose of writing
down this tale of oddness was so that I can read it in years to come, when I have all but forgotten it's quirks, and thusly I will remember it in glorious technicolour. This is what this blog is for in fact: so that I don't forget stuff. But clearly I need to write things down before I actually forget them. And only then can I safely forget them. Not the other way around as demonstrated here.

'Christ in a Bucket!'

That reminds me of another favourite 'swear phrase when angry' that I have been using recently when for instance my computer buggers up:

'Go fuck a horse.'

Try it. Next time your PC crashes.

'Go fuck a horse.'

Keeps me sane, anyway.

Bear in mind, however, that it's good to vary your 'swear phrase when angry'. So don't get bogged down with one phrase. Use it when it's fresh. But then move on. Don't worry though, you'll know when it's time to move on. We all do, deep down...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Cry Baby!

Made me laugh earlier today when I found out that there is a rugby player, the French Inside Centre in fact, called Mr Baby! Ha!

Or should I say Monsieur Baby.

It's the little things that keep you going.

It's a shame that Michalak was injured also as the headline was:

'Baby and Michalak blow for France.'

Bloody Michalak; 'Baby blow for France' sounds so much better.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Melon Farmer!

Just had to get this down before I forget:

Was watching some of the history of swearing on our screens; it profiled the cutting/dubbing of Alex Cox's Repo Man for TV. They replaced various fucking fuckers, and you fucking stupid fucker wankstain of a bastard etc... with lame substitutes.

This was the greatest gem:

"Fuck you, you mother fucker" was changed to "Flip you, you melon farmer".


And in fact it's all deliberate. Alex Cox was asked to dub all the swear words and he did so by substituting them with the stupidest stuff he could think of.

As I said, Genius.

Most definitely not Listless

Notes on the humble 'To Do List':

Note the capital 'L' in List - befitting It's true status as a godly being - for They should be worshipped.

Actually the world would be a much safer place if we worshipped Lists instead of all the troublemakers we currently fawn to. Most Lists are temporal beings - they always evolve so it is unlikely that the argument 'my List is better than yours' will surface. Lists go through many phases of transition from the nice, neat start to nothing short of a mess if I'm honest. But that's the natural way of things; if you can manage to keep a tidy List then you are not really using the List properly.

Once true chaos on the List has been reached it's then rebirth time: reincarnation to another List! And the cycle continues...

Those list fans out there will know what I mean. Lists can get out of control which is a right pisser. At times like those then it's time for streamlining and centralisation - a rethink to the structure of your Lists; basically this means make a new, bigger List and throw all the others away. I normally have to cross things off before I can throw away the List; it signifies completion of task. I currently have approximately twelvety small Lists lying around on my table, waiting patiently to be combined. Subsectioning is required as there is alot of categories of things to do. I should really be sorting that out rather than writing this!

Duplication is also a problem. Write one task down on one list and then a day later you write it on another. Not very efficient I admit. But there are benefits: when List amalgamation is undertaken it can be very satisfying to be able to cross things out repeatedly due to the fact that they have already been completed from another List. While I wouldn't go as far as to say that they are the highlights of my day; but they are satisfying. Ahhhh.

My mate Bernard in work is a List man. I never thought he would be as he doesn't seem that type of person. But he was. And still is. He understood. He's a good lad.

Enough warbling about Lists... I really DO have to sort them out!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I just did something stoopid...

I got me pasty out of the fridge and placed on it on a plate for some 'microwave action'. I then put the said microwave on and started licking my lips like an expectant dog at meal time.


Up I jump! Open door of microwave and suddenly I am really confused - but only for a second - I havent put the damn thing in the microwave! What a nob-end. Makes me laugh how dumb I am though.

Reminds me of all the times I fill up the kettle and put it on it's base. And wait patiently for it to boil. 'Course, I keep forgetting to press the 'on' button. Many, many times. Not too worried about that but would start to debate whether I should consider euthanasia if I forget to put food in the microwave again. Even worse though would be leaving a supermarket and then realizing that one has forgotten to buy any food. Hey, we all do it.

Just listening to some Athlete - it's good. Download 'Wires' and unless you are stoopid and made of poo you should like it. I find it quite inspiring actually; I was feeling pretty low earlier but after a bit of 'Athlete action' I feel alot better. Although still pissed off that another weekend passes me by. It's not as though I sit on my fecking arse all day - I do things but I never have enough time to do all the random crap I want to. I get the feeling I'll be on my deathbed still obsessively clutching my 'list of things to do'. Ah, lists. I should mention lists - one of the greatest gifts granted to mankind. Just behind Brie, amended 'To Let' signs and the Sziget festival.

Anyway, that'll be tomorrow night's task. Let me put it on my list.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


My dilema is this: Should I the haircut or will I the Laundrette? Either way, you've got to have a system.

Hmm, also there is the supermarket; but it doesn't quite work if there are three things.

It's raining but it looks like nice rain. Might pop out shortly. I can't help thinking about table football. Damn, I need my mate Stan to get his arse down here for a round robin tournament between the two of us. Maybe then a knockout comp. Then a league. Then a winner-takes-all match at the end. Nice.