Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Jean Pierre Pinot's Visit

Jean Pierre Pinot came to my Sett last week demanding an imaginary biscuit. It was unfortunate as I'd given the last of my stock just that very morning to Gwynfor Tennessee McJones, the Mayor of Badgerville. The Mayor had come around to discuss the right-of-way issues on the Badgerville high street. But we ended up eating imaginary biscuits and playing Badger Quest. Far more exciting than transport issues, even if they were Badgerville transport issues.

Jean Pierre Pinot was getting frustrated and rather aggressive at the lack of imaginary biscuits. But what could I do? I didn't have any left. Then I suddenly had a great idea, which I am still proud of today - I attacked Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.

It was a frenzied attack that, if I'm honest, I've wanted to do for quite some time. And thankfully the spoon wasn't imaginary otherwise it wouldn't have been half as satisfying. If you get the chance, I thoroughly recommend attacking Jean Pierre Pinot with a spoon.

As for the imaginary biscuits, don't worry folks, I'm getting another batch in tomorrow. And, because of his indiscretions, Jean Pierre Pinot will not be getting any.

And, also, because he is a twat.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

Big Cheese Badger's Review of 2010

Everyone seems to be writing a review of 2010 this year. Why on earth is this? Most seem to have written their review in early January or last December, so it appears that, with it being August, I am late with my own review.

But late or not, I couldn't stop myself from jumping on the bandwagon. Even if I couldn't actually see the bandwagon anywhere. I am nothing if not a persistent badger, so I ran like a closely-shaved badger for ruddy miles to catch up with said bandwagon. But when I caught up with it, I frustratingly couldn't jump on it, as it had been set ablaze. It was clearly abandoned as there wasn't a soul for miles. Typical. After waiting patiently for forty-two hours for the fire go out, all that was left was a pile of ash. So I thought I wasn't going to come all this way for nothing - so I heartily jumped on the ash. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

So here it is folks, the Big Cheese Badger's review of 2010:
Expectations were high as you'd expect, but it wasn't as spectacular and ground-breaking as 2001. But did we honestly think it would be? However, it was enjoyable, gripping, involving and it left me wanting more. Now I'm looking forward to 2061 and 3001. I'm not sure if I'll live to see them but my claws are crossed.
So there it is, was it worth all that huffing and puffing, just to jump on some hot ash? Probably not, but at least it's out of my system. It's strange though, as most reviews of 2010 seem to have missed the point entirely.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster

I had a rather disturbing dream the other night:
I was getting into a lift. But I was somehow aware that if the doors closed behind me then I'd get transported to another dimension. I got transported a few times, much to my annoyance. But for some reason I was determined to beat it. So I had an idea: I got out of the lift and I tried to reach in and press the button, hoping that the lift would go and I wouldn't be transported; but I got transported again. Who knows what I was really trying to achieve.

Then the next thing I remember I was standing facing a staircase and there was a flat piece of cardboard lying rather ominously at the bottom of the stairs. Nothing weird about that, surely? But suddenly, before my very eyes, the piece of cardboard inflated into the shape of a man. The whole inflating process was very impressive to behold, thinking back that is. However, at the time I was very scared of this inflating cardboard freak. You'd be surprised at how scary a self-inflated piece of cardboard is. The fully-inflated cardboard man then advanced towards me in a 'I'm going to rip your limbs off and shove them down your throat' fashion, but thankfully I don't remember what happened next. Presumably he didn't succeed, as the dream moved on:

Suddenly, I was sat around a table with some friends, having fun, chatting. They were telling me the story of when they were driving around one night and one of them was standing up in the car, poking out of the sunroof, and dressed very unconvincingly as the Loch Ness Monster. I could picture it perfectly, and they were right - it was a terribly unconvincing Loch Ness Monster costume. Anyway they were nearly home, when suddenly another car drove straight towards them and rammed into them. The driver of this other car thought it was the real Loch Ness Monster on the rampage, and tried to kill it. What a stupid moron; how could he possibly think that ridiculous Loch Ness Monster costumer was the "real" Loch Ness Monster? Not to mention that it was driving around in a car. What an idiot. I laughed a lot when they told me.
In the dream I mean. Which is nice as you don't often laugh at something stupid in a dream. I also laughed once I woke up, which prompted this exercise in sharing.

Don't you hate it when people tell you their dreams? They have no real point or direction and they are usually just fragments loosely joined together. It's like reading a story written by a five-year old. "Wow, that's amazing, Horatio, you're going to grow up to be a famous novelist."

Obviously this dream is the exception - it's a powerful story full of emotional impact, and excitement that could kill a man. In fact, I feel so strongly that this amazing story should be shared across the world, that I have completely removed copyright from it and will forgo all royalties, so you may use it and retell it as you wish. Perhaps for the basis of the next summer movie blockbuster? I can see it now:

"Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster"

I would definitely go and see a film called Dimension Jumper vs Cardboard Man and the Fake Loch Ness Monster.

Yes, you are right, my kindness knows no bounds, I am amazing. I am, of course, aware of this fact, but it's always nice to be told.

I am also aware of the fact that I am not a dribbling moron with half a banana stuck out of my ear. But it's always nice to be told.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Star Wars Prequels Reviews

If, like me, you were bitterly disappointed with the three prequel films, that at the time completely ruined all of your great Star Wars memories, then you should enjoy watching these reviews as they rip apart the films with much gusto and, more importantly, with much accuracy.

But, be warned they are long; The Phantom Menace review is 70 minutes in length. As much as I dislike the films I initially thought: "I'm not watching a ruddy 70-minute review." But less than five minutes in and I was hooked - "I am watching a ruddy 70-minute review!"

Anyway, they are very clever, very insightful and very bloody good. Enjoy...

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace Review:

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones Review:

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Review:

The sad thing is that these reviews are genuinely better than most films that are released in the cinemas these days. Hmm, I might watch them again some day...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Following Gadget

Just been messing about on the blog, changed a few things around, fiddled with this and that, not fiddled with that and this, moved the sofa next to the window and moved the bookshelf behind the table, which is now further out from the wall, laid down a new rug and chucked out the pile of crap that was on the floor. Basically, this all means it's a bit more homely here. You are now slightly closer to the fireplace and the plate of biscuits. Nice.

And I've just this minute added the Following Gadget so please follow me. I promise never to go to dodgy places or boring places. And I shall carry a whomping stick at all times for safety. Moles are not allowed to follow me for obvious reasons. (See WeAreAllBadgers for details on pesky moles.)

I've just decided, kind badger that I am, that I'll be giving away a free imaginary biscuit for every follower! For a limited time only I'm afraid, I'm not made of imaginary money.

These biscuits might be imaginary but, by golly, they are very, very tasty.

Wurruh! Sorry, I had a mouthful of my imaginary biscuits there. I tried to say - Enjoy!


Friday, June 17, 2011

Rubicon Tie Speech

Rubicon - Episode 4 - The Outsider

This was THE episode. This episode turned this series from one that I watch because I feel I should like things like this to a series which I watch because I do like this. A lot.

Michael Christofer plays Truxton Spangler. What a great name. And what a great character.

Here's the brilliant "tie speech", in which Spangler (with Will silently sitting next to him) is trying to convince officials from the DoD that API should remain independent of congress. API is the intelligence agency that Spangler runs and Will works at.


DoD official: If this were entirely our decision we'd be more than happy to keep the entire intelligence community off limits to congress but, uh, there are some political realities in play that make that impossible.

(They get up to leave.)

Spangler: One final thought, if I might.

(They reluctantly sit back down)

Spangler: When you left the house this morning, wearing that tie. Perhaps your wife stopped you in the doorway; perhaps she told you how good you looked in that tie. How handsome it was. Now while I'm sure you love your wife, might I suggest, you have many reasons to distrust her judgement about that tie.

Maybe she has a fond memory of another time you wore it, a sentimental attachment; or perhaps she knows your tie collection and she's simply glad you didn't choose one of the ties she dislikes. Perhaps she just sensed, you were feeling a little fragile. She felt like bucking you up a bit.

Now, imagine for a minute you sit down here with us, and I say to you, how much I admire that tie. Instantly you have another opinion; but you don't know me; there's nothing personal between us - we have no - sartorial history. No emotional attachment.

Who's judgement are you going to trust? Mine? Or your wife's?

The gentleman to my right is a remarkable intelligence analyst; he is skilled in pattern recognition, systems analysis, emergence theories -- but, but -- in truth, his greatest asset for you -- is that you don't know him. And he doesn't know you. He doesn't care about you. Or your feelings. He just knows -- what your tie looks like.

You can trust him.


Never has a speech about a tie had such resonance. Never has a speech about a tie had such depth. Never has a speech about a tie ever been transcribed before.

I think we can all learn something here.


Although it looks like AMC haven't learnt anything - they cancelled the show after season one. The fools.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Wales 1- 3 Scotland

Another fantastic performance from the newly voted Best Football Team in the World* - yet another proud moment to be Welsh.

*Best Football Team in the World award voted by Dafydd Jones and Rhys Ieuan Evans and Jean Pierre Pinot whilst having a ridiculously late brunch in their caravan.

Final Result:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Other categories and their results:

Best Defensive Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Attacking Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Most Flamboyant Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Most Successful Team in the Last Decade:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team in the Solar System:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team in the Universe:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team in the Multiverse:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best Team that Has Existed and Will Ever Exist Including Imaginary Teams:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote

Best animals:
Dragons - 2 votes
Frogs - 1 vote

And one final category was voted for after Jean Pierre's intellectually-challenged brother arrived:

Best Passing Team:
Wales - 2 votes
France - 1 vote
Yemen - 1 vote

A frustrating night for Jean Pierre Pinot and his beloved France.

Awards overheard by BCB whilst arranging his worms into the shape of the WAAB logo prior to consuming them. And then whilst excreting said worms. BCB takes no responsibility for the odours now lurking underneath Jean Pierre Pinot's caravan.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Wales 0 - 2 England

Another commanding performance from Wales, the powerhouse of world football.

The England players were quaking in their expensive boots in anticipation of this crucial Euro 2012 qualifier. And who can blame them, up against world-class talent such as Millwall's Steve Morison and Andrew Crofts of Norwich City. Even the loss of superstar Gareth Bale two days before the match was not a blow to a team who have Leicester's Andy King to step right in.

The next generation of Wales superstars gave a performance of supreme skill, subtle ingenuity and sincere charm. Alan Hill, son of football legend, Harry Hill, said it was a "dreamlike" performance. He added: "Some teams feel the need to get shots on target to prove that they are a good team. Not Wales, they know they are a good team so they didn't have a single shot on target. "

The Welsh captaincy was a controversial decision but the Welsh manager, Gary Speed, appointed Aaron Ramsey, just a few weeks into his first-team comeback. Already feeling the heavy weight of having being proclaimed the 'future of Welsh football', and desperately trying to regain his form after his horrific injury, Gary Speed saw his opportunity and added to the pressure on the youngsters shoulders. After Wales decided to let England score two goals, you could clearly see that Gary Speed has made the right decision.

Scotland played the almost as mighty Brazil the day after. Neymar, Brazil's hot young striking talent, said after the game: "We try to play good football, but we are no Wales."

Football pundit, Barry Frontwhistle commented after the game: "There is a tendency in the modern game for teams to attempt to score as many goals as possible. Wales offer a refreshing change to that tired and uninspiring formula and try, and succeed, to score nothing. They have only scored in two games in the whole of 2010 and 2011 thus far. Respect to them."

So what's next for the Welsh?

Fellow football pundit, Barry Backwhistle, no relation, adds: "Negative goals?" he says intelligently, whilst stroking his small beard. "If teams could score a negative amount of goals then Wales would be the first team to do it."

And I don't think anyone could argue with that.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Underwater Sea Oscillator - Part 2

The answer is 'no' by the way - I haven't dreamt of the underwater sea oscillator again. Shame.

The underwater sea oscillator sounds like something from a Studio Ghibli production. If that were true, it probably wouldn't be an underwater creature at all - it would be flying through the air, floating over sprawling metropolis and lush green wilderness, with not a care in the world. It would not even register the minuscule creatures on the ground, attempting to bombard it with their minuscule weapons.

But it's only because they are frightened; they do not understand it. In time they will realise that the underwater sea oscillator brings peace, not war.

Typical Ghibli. You gotto love them.

Where am I? Eh? What?

Where am I? What is this place? Oh yes, I remember, I used to frequent this establishment about four and a half years ago. I liked it here. Why did I ever leave?

It's annoying when you let things slip. I think that's what I did four and a half years ago. It happens. It's forgiveable. But after maybe a year of letting things slip, you have to accept that things aren't just slipping anymore - it's slipped, flapped around in a panic for a while and then landed. (Slipping things have to land sometime.) And in this case it landed awkwardly, causing serious pain. Although some passers-by found it funny.

Luckily a kind chap, after he had stopped laughing, dialled 999 and before you can say 'too many things to do' the ambulance arrived and shipped the poorly thing to hospital. Unfortunately due to a surgeon's strike that day, as they were selflessly campaigning for lower pay, the caretakers were operating on the patients. As you can imagine, things didn't go to plan. Although to be fair the caretaker in question didn't have a plan so for him, things went exactly not to plan. Ouch.

Caretaker - suddenly I see the word as quite sinister. They take away the care. Then what's left? I dare not answer...

Anyway, when the surgeons returned the next day they attempted to fix the crocked thing. Sadly the thing caught an infection and had to have a limb amputated; this time thankfully performed by a fully-qualified surgeon. Unfortunately the surgeon in question was a rather cavalier toast rack in disguise; he had seen Catch Me If You Can a few too many times; and with the confidence of a madman, he removed all his limbs. He thought it was funny at the time but later regretted it. He is now seeking rehabilitation in hospital; it's going well but on numerous occasions he needs to be restrained on the floor by several slices of toast.

The trauma of being in a state of limblessness caused total amnesia resulting in two years of living in a bin. After seeing a badger in a straw hat amble by, it's memory returns and it limped homeward in a non-possession of limbs type of way... All because I let it slip four and half years ago.

It arrived home last night and so it has led us to here.

That's what I think happened to it anyway. Well, I won't be letting things slip again. No way. I'm not having all those ridiculously unbelievably bad things happen again.

Although you shouldn't believe me when I make these promises. Even I don't believe me, and I'm me.

Oops... no it's OK, I caught it. Phew.