Sunday, October 22, 2006

Underwater Sea Oscillator

I had a dream last night and in that dream was an underwater sea oscillator. I don't remember what it looked like but at the time I remember looking at it and saying with a certain degree of knowledge: 'That's an underwater sea oscillator.'

When I woke up I wrote the name down as I liked the sound of it; despite the redundant language - bit of tautology in action right there. (PNS Syndrome anyone?)

Any ideas what this strange creature could be? I consider it to be a grand beast; one that drifts along the ocean currents with little to worry it's dignified mindset; confident in it's own strengths. I wonder if I shall dream of the underwater sea oscillator tonight...

Monday, May 01, 2006

Food faces!

A long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away... no, hold on, it was this galaxy actually, I often get mixed up; I'll rephrase that: a long time ago... I used to make faces with my leftover food. But not at home as that would be terribly sad; just in cafes and eateries. It works well with pizza if you leave the crusts; and all-day-breakfasts as there is flexibility with the variety of items. However, this can only be experienced if you are either too full to finish or the food is rubbish.

This hobby both flexes your artistic skills and lets you embarrass your friends when the waiter/waitress comes around to collect the plates. It is a: 'im not with this guy' sort of situation. Although to be honest the waitresses often don't even notice half the time.

I must admit I don't partake much these days but the last time I partook, the two girls I was with loved the idea and got well stuck in. Unfortunately the waitress didn't notice their fine efforts as she rushed over and plonked the plates on top of each other and rushed away. All that work for nothing.

When you think about this 'making faces with your food' business you realise that it's actually quite a friendly and nice thing to do: the cooks make an effort to give you nicely presented food; so you should do the same for them in return.

Try it!

: - ) (made with two baked beans, a piece of toast crust and a stringy bacon rind)

Sunday, April 09, 2006


On the subject of making sandwiches for lunch at work, I found that I mostly couldn't be bothered. I haven't done so in ages but I stumbled onto a bit of a middle-ground solution in the process. That solution I have named hamper-style.

Hamper-style is an elegant solution for those too lazy to make sandwiches but don't want to eat-out for whatever reason. It also appeals to those harking back to the days before sandwiches: the days when you would have a 'bit of this' and a 'bit of that' on your plate; and this is what hamper-style is in a nutshell.

In my use of hamper-style, I placed several items in my lunchbox such as a lump of bread, a few slices of meat, a block of cheese and some sliced cucumber and maybe a few cherry tomatoes thrown in for good measure. Make sure they are good quality ingredients
otherwise it just doesn't work. You can then enjoy the items one by one or combine them in whatever combination takes your fancy. A multitude of eating choices which a sandwich can never give you.

Of course, I admit that there is some preparation required to create your hamper-style lunch, such as slicing things and chopping things and ripping things; but even so, it is still much quicker than making a sandwich.

I coined the phrase hamper-style as it was reminiscent of a hamper. It is also called traditional-style as this is what we used to do in ages past.

I find it quite satisfying a meal and I am here to promote this as a way forward for the nation and to encourage the subsequent death of sandwiches.

Death to sandwiches!

Hey, hold on a minute, I like sandwiches, what am I saying? Can't hamper-style and sandwiches co-exist on this earth? Yes, I'll give that a go first, and if that fails I shall destroy all sandwiches. And I will, you know? If pushed I will do just that. It's not a ridiculous objective in the slightest. And no, I don't have too much time on my hands. Hey, don't mock me, this is serious. Right, I've had enough, I'm coming around there right now to knock that pesky sandwich right out of your mouth!

As a wise man once said: 'You can make hamper-style out of a sandwich but you can't make a sandwich out of hamper-style.'


Thursday, March 30, 2006

Milky Jam

Today I drunk milk from an empty jam jar. It was strangely satisfying as jars are quite solid constructs.

If I were you then I would definitely add it to my 'things to do before I die' list. Tarry not for you may be slain by a heinous beast mayhap on the morrow.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Milky Wine

Today I have been mostly drinking milk from a wine glass.

It's surprisingly entertaining.

Sadly, it is the highlight of my day.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Lions and Tigers...

...but not in Kenya. Maybe later in Kenya; aboot time I listened to that again...

Anyway, my good friend told me a story about her sister tother day; her 'one piece of paper short of an 80-sheet narrow-lined refill pad' sister. I shan't name my friend, although if she read this then she would of course know. If the sister read this then I'm in trouble! Anyway, my good friend, I shall call her 'Ethel' for the purposes of this blog. The reason for the choice of Ethel is onefold: you can eliminate the name I give from the 'list of names that she might be' so if I gave a common or a normal name then you would be able to cross that off your list. (Unless I double-bluff you but that would require far too much intelligence...) So if I name her Ethel then it's a name you can't cross off your list because it's not there already. No-one in their right mind is called Ethel these days. Not that it's a choice of course but I still stand by my decision. Actually if anyone calls their offspring, Ethel, then please let me know and I shall come around and remove you from the gene pool. It's a painless procedure perfected by medical science. Just let me know, it's for the good of humanity.

Correction: it is twofold: I like renaming people into old-fashioned names and such like. I shall tell her the exciting news of her new name tomorrow...

Anyway, her sister yes; I haven't got all day. Actually btw her sister is a teacher which will scare you once you realise how scary that fact is. Basically, which will be once you finish reading this. Which could be a while at this ok, her sister, Ethel's sister, we shall call her Spongebob Squarepants for the sole reason that I have no idea what her name is. So Spongebob Squarepants phones Ethel for advice one day: Spongebob says to Ethel: 'You know lions?'

Ethel replies with a suspicious 'mmm'.

Spongebob continues: 'Well, you know the males are the ones with the manes?'

Again, Ethel is suspicous; she knows her sister too well by now: 'yes,' she replies hesitantly.

'Well, the females...are they the ones with the stripes?'



As I say, she's a teacher... scary thought. It's the kids I feel sorry for... they'll end up coming out of school thinking that black is white, blue is poo, and shitting in your pants is perfectly normal. OK maybe not, but I can't be bothered to finish that sensibly as I'm suddenly in bad mood due to extraneous stimuli. Pah.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Yep, it's a good job that my trusty laptop is in my possession. Kind of superfluous to requirements previously but not now. Very useful because my desktop PC has died...

Highly interesting stuff I'm sure...

I was going to write something here but I've forgotten...


Seriously. Damn.

Friday, February 24, 2006


Had to mention my boring day straight out of hell, or a near-by area of equal torment and never-ending pain, which in work terms is known as an 'offsite'.

OK, so maybe it wasn't as bad as it first appeared to be... but to be fair it was shit. I'm glad it is over because I have no enthusiasm for such pointlessnesses. Other folk seem to be at least slightly interested but sadly not me. OK, some of it was fine, but that was the non-work related malarky. I'm just glad it's over for another year.

Tother folk will be out tomorrow celebrating their bonuses. Not me though. Don't get me wrong, I am most pleased with my bonza bonus and I will be going out too. So what's going on? Well, I shall be out celebrating the end of the offsite not the bonus. Huzzah!

Now that ickle whinge is out of my system, time for nitenite.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Blue Screen of Death

Yes, I write this whilst gripped with the fear that the 'blue screen of death' will render my PC useless once again. It's been crashing for some time but despite my best efforts I have to admit to myself that I need to reformat the drive. It definitely needs it even if it doesn't fix the problem. It should do but you never know with computers.

So 5 hours ago I began sorting out, deleting and transferring stuff to my laptop. Good job I have my 'spare' PC.

Just read that Gareth Thomas and Shane Williams are out of the Ireland clash. Damn, that doesn't help our chances. We better bloody win though or I shan't be a happy bastard. Mind you, I'm generally moody at the moment so maybe it won't make any difference.

Anyway, better post this pish before I see blue...

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Well it couldn't last...

Three posts in as many days but then no post for three days. I'm guessing three days anyway. No laziness on my part though as I had to go home for the weekend because my dad was ill. So you see, the blog is hardly important at times like these.

It's been an annoying day because my puter is playing up. More than usual. I reckon I should get it sorted next weekend. That's if it lasts until then...

Anyway, I'm up to my armpits in lists of things to do. I need to tick them off and throw away. See my 'list' post for more details!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

By Jolly, I did it!

That's right - I emptied the rubbish. Last night in fact, during a bizarre frenzy of sorting and tidying. It's a grand improvement. I feel rightly proud goddamit. I did pencil in some hovering tonight but I reckon I have too much to do; like write this pointless update.

I'm a little scared now. The rubbish issue has compelled me to share this news and write this blog for three successive days. Has it come to this? What other run-of-the-mill, cack-boring, domestic issue can I come into contact with in order to continue in this fashion? Ooh, my bookshelf is looking a little dusty...

Just realised that I have said 'hover' when I meant 'hoover'. I shan't delete it as it amused me. Hovering is such a fine reward for doing a spot of housework.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Two poles in two days

Or rather, two posts in two days. Good effort young man.

Rubbish update (in both senses): not exactly a removal of rubbish but more of reorganisation of rubbish. Not that I normally reorganise my rubbish, for the record. I have put it all into one big bag rather than several scattered on the floor. It's progress if not a result. The theory now being: 'well, there's a little bit more room in the big bag now. So I'll have to throw it out when it's full.'

It buys me a day at least.

Might even follow that up with some ironing... hmm, no that's clearly overdoing it. Too much too soon. I don't want to injure myself.

I'll have a rest now.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Damn, it's Ferbruary

As I said, damn, it's February. I've missed the January posting window and now I don't have a January message archive! Pah.

Can life get any worse? Well, yes it can: I've got a big pile of rubbish on my kitchen floor which I can't be bothered to throw out. How long will this lethargy last?? I reckon it's inversely correlated with the strength of the smell emitting from the pile. Strong smell: lethargy decreases; manageable smell: lethargy remains.

At the moment my lethargy has a fairly strong grip on me. So I'll leave it to you to work out the smell strength. It's like a game this. Good isn't it? Might come back every day with updates; that would be exciting eh? Well, more exciting than no updates anyway.

And the summary for tomorrow is: exciting.